Its been a day today. I finally broke and cried at every opportunity that I could find... and I can find a lot. Pain... rent... even a PRESENT made me cry!! So, i asked for jokes from friends to help cheer me up, and boy did that help! here are some of my favs...
A patient needed a brain transplant and the doctor told the family, "Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.
"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000," replied the doctor.
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood.
But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"
"Standard pricing practice," said the doctor.
"Women's brains have to be marked down because they've actually been used."
-thank you Aunt Janet
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.
"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000," replied the doctor.
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood.
But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"
"Standard pricing practice," said the doctor.
"Women's brains have to be marked down because they've actually been used."
-thank you Aunt Janet
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk,
he says 'So, what's your story?' The Lab looks up and
says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to
settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.
- Thank you Tom :)
How do you get a piccachui on a bus?
you poke-em-on
-Thank you miss kelly V
A duck goes into a drug store and buys some chapstick, on the way out he says "put it on my bill"
-Thanks kapp!
Caitlin Moran smells
-Thank you katie :)
after reading all these jokes, my cry spell was cured! Now i am happily watching "The Proposal" while deciding between, cookies, candy, chocolate or ice cream... livin the dreaaaam....
THANK YOU SOOO MUCH MR. JOHN!! i got your gift package today... it was your present in fact that made me cry... HAPPY TEARS!!! you are such a sweat heart and its like you know my candy brain better then me, every thing in there looks so perfect! Nick Swardson and i are best buds too, this is going to work out nicely! i miss you by the way, hope you get to stop by for the holidays!
And miss gator... the jewelry is perfect :) you are one of three people i trust to pick out fashion items for me, next to my mom and your mom! i cant wait to see you in a weeeek!!!
Love you all
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